Silence is NOT Silent

I just watched the documentary, “Tell Me Who I AM.” It was a powerful experience to sit through watching it.  Honestly, I was not even able to watch the whole movie. I fast forwarded to the parts that I knew were coming. There was a strong need - a necessity as they put it in the film - to know. It was a knowing that had to be. Their pain sent ripples back into memories of my own past. 

Silence is definitely not silent. There are internal wailing, sharp, piercing screams that are not able to be let out.  Tearing at the fabric of my soul.  A quiet desperation hoping that someone would hear the internal scream and help. Help what? How? How can the help undo what has happened and the fragmenting of soul/body that has occurred? 

When there is childhood sexual abuse, it is physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. The pain is so deep that my soul pulled up and away from the physical body.  My soul was not intended to physically experience the devastation that happens when the physical body has trauma that forces its life force to be used to feed the dark, fear matrix. In the aftermath, my emotional body was filled with shame and blame. Unknowingly I continued to allow my energy to be depleted and it left me open to allowing other energies to feed off of me. 

For years, I just didn’t want to face what I had experienced from my childhood. If I could just shut it out, ignore it, not speak of it, then maybe I would be able to forget.  The problem was that the memory was not just in my mind, but also in my body - in the nervous system, in my fascia.  Leaving me in a consistent state of fight, flight and freeze and high levels of cortisol coursing throughout my body.  

Beyond sexual abuse, there was also physical punishment and psychological manipulation in my household. I was the child that would do as I was told believing that I was less likely to receive the physical punishment, not knowing that that servile attitude made me an easy prey for a sexual predator. I regularly felt guilty for my actions and then had to hold it inside, because I believed I was shameful. Full of shame. Shame became easily accessible for me. Ashamed of my body, my thoughts, my actions, my home, my memories, my emotions. Once shame took hold, silence was inevitable.  How could I speak out? Who would listen? Would it make a difference? What would happen to me? How would it affect my family? 

Fear. Fear and more fear. My actions were driven by fear. My successes in school were shining examples of fear driving my life. I had no choice but to make the best grades. What would be the punishment if I did not? I learned how to avoid the punishment for bad grades. Not surprisingly, I would punish myself daily with rituals to prepare me for homework and tests. Accomplishments felt empty, short-lived, and fraudulent. I didn’t know that there was another option. Fear consumed my life from sun up to sun down. I didn’t know how much fear consumed my energy.  I was plugged into the fear matrix, and it made sure that I supplied amply.

When I look over the years that followed after I left the house and the abusers, I was still unwell.  I had not yet experienced Well-Being. It would come many years later. This is a message of good news, it is not a message written by a victim. I am free. I am loved. I am open. I am the light. I am speaking for the little girl who could not speak out loud for herself. She didn’t have a choice. She is beautiful. She is worthy. She is my hero. I cannot go back and change the circumstances, but I can go back and send healing love to my younger self. She felt alone and lonely. She felt ashamed and fearful. She had no idea that her future self would be able to witness what she went through and love her all the way.  You see when you feel ashamed, you push away human love and compassion. That is what shame wants you to do. It wants you to isolate and be silenced. In that silence, it manipulates you into believing that you ARE the shame and fear. You ARE NOT. I WAS NOT. I AM NOT.

For everyone and anyone who has ever believed that they are not loved, worthy or enough, I am here for you. I have a gift for you. The gift is free and comes untethered. I am Love. I am Freedom. I am Beauty. I am Joy. I am Light. I am Compassion. I am abundant and free for you. I have found the path through the pain. I have chosen this very difficult path as a way to help heal my own Soul’s journey as well as the pain of generations past and future. It was worth it. It is worth it. You and I are worth it. 

I have visions of a future without this shame and pain and fear. I believe that it is coming. I surrender the shame. I allow the love to flow through me. It is deeply healing. It pours into me and through me. Love is the answer. Love is here for you, my love. 

Repeat after me:

I give myself permission to let go of fear. I surrender.

I give myself permission to believe in love. I receive.

I receive my birthright, my God given right to Love. 

Although I may not feel 100% free, worthy, loved, safe, enough, or able to do IT ALL right now, I know that I am on the path. 

On the path, there is a Light. I can follow the Light. 

When I feel there is only darkness, I know it is fear telling me there is no light. 

On the path, there is a Light. I can follow the Light. I know that I am on the path.

And so it is.