Earning My Love: The Old Paradigm

I am in Nashville this week for a PNP October camp. PNP is a women’s weight loss tribe that I am a satisfied member of.* Being in the land of country music, I switched up my playlist to 90’s Country. The first song that came on was “I’m carrying your love with me” by the great George Strait. 

I’m carrying your Love with me. Oh yeah, those words - that thought - feel/feels wonderful. 

In the old energy, I might have unconsciously thought there was a limited amount of Love.  In that paradigm believing in a limited amount of love, I existed in protection, conservation, security mode. I call that being plugged into the Lack Matrix. The Lack Matrix is completely motivated by fear: fearful, self-centered, self-seeking. In other words, the Lack Matrix is service to Self.  There will be a blog about Lack vs. Abundance Matrices coming soon. 

Mine. Mine. Mine.

When fearfully living in the Lack Matrix, I would only offer love from my little hoarded pile if you earned it. How did I expect you to earn my love? Do things that made me feel good, act the ways that I needed to continue to feel safe, say the words that I wanted and stop saying words that would make me feel unworthy.  I require gifts, your servicing me, your time and attention and money, words of affirmation, and adoration. You would be required to give me things without my even letting you know I *need* them or ELSE. I would withhold my love from you, shame you, leave you mentally/physically/emotionally. I would stick an energetic barb in you to try to extract anything I need like a slowly siphoning off your energy and finally blame you for not being enough for me.  Does any of this sound familiar in any way? 

If you X, then I will feel Y and I may give you Z. (maybe)

Conditional Love means I make you responsible for my feelings. Since most people don’t want that job, they are really bad at managing my emotional well-being! I don’t want to be responsible for your emotional well-being either!

Here is an excerpt from my Instagram post on 10/3/19 at @ginnie_uplifter:

A Love Letter To My Heart

I’m carrying your LOVE with me. 

Not clutching it desperately in fear of losing your Love. It is not heavy, not a burden to carry. It might have been a burden for me in another paradigm, because - aw here it is - because, I attached strings to my love and assumed you had done the same. The strings were really attached to the density - the heaviness of my not fulfilling my own needs and requiring you to do that. Oh sweetheart, forgive me. I was unconscious and unaware. 

Once I become aware of my conditional living, I have just caught a glimpse of that bridge to freedom. Being aware is a good start. 

Today, my sweet heart, my own heart that is so sweet, I carry your LOVE with me. 

@ginnie_uplifter #lovewins #loveletter #ascension #5d 

There is a path, journey, or bridge to living as a sovereign human - fully responsible and caring for their own emotional Well-BEing. I will cover that in the next blog. It is perfect to sit in the uncomfortable awareness of exactly where we are and how we are thinking, feeling and acting without jumping into immediate change, because the pain of awareness seems unbearable. Part of the process is to really admit to our inner most selves what is our truth and decide how that feels. Only then can we make a conscious decision to get out of our dirty diaper and start moving from emotional childhood to emotional adulthood. These subjects will be well covered soon. Just breathe. Relax. Be still and know!

*Diane if you are reading this, I am going to say it once, I am not focusing on grammar.